I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
