Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
