On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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