I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
