Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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