you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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