i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
please come you make the beer taste better
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Your cock deserves a montage
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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