we made out on top of his cat.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
