There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
we should paint friendship bongs
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
