glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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