her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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