His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
