"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My pussy is not your playground.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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