Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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