Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
