ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
