surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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