I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
