I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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