Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
