The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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