Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
