I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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