Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
