when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
