Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
