i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
