I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
