I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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