You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
