so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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