Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize