dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
