I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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