what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
