You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
