I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's official drugs can't kill me
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Terrible idea I love it
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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