It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
