CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
