I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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