A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
