Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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