Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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