That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
