Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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