who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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