Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
