I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
