Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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