Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just gargled with NyQuil
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
