I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
