the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
