I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
