My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Sorry about my life...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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