im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
