he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
