you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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