I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
