I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
