I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
