im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
